My Anxiety And Me
Posted On June 24, 2018
What Is Anxiety To Me?
To me, Anxiety has always been hard to understand, because the whole point is you can’t keep up with what’s going on inside your head. There’s constantly a voice in my head, my voice, saying more than one thing at once. Doubts, fears, paranoia, on a loop. It’s so hard to block it out and just live my life.
There’s this constant worry in every situation you’re faced with, big or small, there’s a little voice in your head that puts the worst case scenario into every situation before it’s even happened.
I miss out on a lot of things that people my age see as normal, because I just can’t put myself in situations where I feel like the world is closing in on me. A lot of people don’t understand and I feel awful when I have to turn plans down, or lose a friendship over it.
How It All Started
I lived in London, Clapham for 18 years, I was used to the busy, go go lifestyle, it was all I knew, and I was absolutely fine with it, I went to a rough school, and I was fine because for me it was normal, I got on with it and learned how to keep my head down and just fit in. Until we moved away from it all just after my 18th birthday, to a quiet little seaside town in the Southern Coastline. Its so lovely here, the people are lovely, it’s less hectic and you can really just walk down the street knowing you are safe. So why do I feel paranoid every time I go out? Why does my heart beat pick up and my body tense up?
I was going to college here, and one day I realized I couldn’t get myself to get on the bus, so I walked half an hour to college just to avoid it, crazy right? I’d sit in class, and not be able to focus properly at all, my mind working 1000 words a minute. After a while I started to think there was something really wrong with me. I waited years to move to southern coastline, I knew it was a lovely town to live in, so I could’nt understand why I felt so weird and on edge.
Anxiety makes you assume the worst straight away, so when I felt bad, I started telling myself I was sick. Auto-immune diseases runs in the family for the woman, so I was so sure I had an auto immune disease, that’s how bad I felt, I wasn’t myself at all and I knew it. So I went to the doctors and they checked me in for some blood tests. When the results came back the doctor told me there was nothing wrong with me, I wasn’t sick. So she told me that it sounded like I had Anxiety and it may be because of the shock of moving away from London, to a quiet town. It made me realize what life I lived before I moved, and it was like an after shock. If I was still in London now, I would never have known.
I still don’t know why I have it, and yeah maybe that’s the reason, but it’s now nearly 3 years down the line, and it’s not left me completely. I feel like there should be a big enough reason for me to have anxiety, like a traumatic event, something that explains it a bit better, but now I know that’s not how mental health works, and I shouldn’t have to justify how I feel with a reason. I need to work on getting myself better, instead of looking for a reason to blame it on, and that’s what I’ve been doing.
What’s My Biggest Anxiety Trigger?
Traveling on my own. I hate buses and trains. Most of my family live out of town, and it’s about an hour train journey to visit them. Usually the build up to the journey is always the worst part. Overtime I bring myself to do it, my anxiety goes mental, my heart races the whole journey, im constantly watching people around me, the voice in my head goes crazy and sometimes im so close to a panic attack, in public. The more I do it, the easier it gets, but I don’t bring myself to do it enough and that’s something I need to work on.
Another trigger is crowded places, I feel constantly paranoid of everyone around me, and the voice in my head judges them all. No one can be trusted. When im in a crowded place, I can’t watch everyone around me all at once, so it really makes me freak out inside a little. I keep my bag clutched to me and keep my body in, naturally.
Unknown situations are something I don’t like walking into. If I have something coming up, that is unknown to me, I worry about how I will feel, how I will react and all the different scenarios that could happen to me in that situation. Even just something simple like an appointment.
I really don’t sleep well at all, my mind works even more overtime at night, and when im sleeping it creates the worst scenarios in my dreams, some that play on my mind for days after. I haven’t slept through the night, for about 2 years now. My body is starting to get used to it.
Am I Getting Better At Coping?
I am 100% getting better at learning how to cope with it. My panic attacks don’t happen half as much as they did at the beginning. Overtime I am learning new ways to deal with what’s going on in my head, how to block it out and tell myself it’s really not as bad as the voice in my head may be telling me.
My lifestyle has played a massive part in learning to deal with it better, I work for myself so I now have no pressure of getting a job, and going out into the world, into that unknown situation. That one less pressure on my shoulders is a massive help. With anxiety, we put so much pressure on ourselves, we doubt ourselves, compare ourselves to others and we hate ourselves for the things we aren’t doing, when really we need to praise ourselves for what we do actually do, and how far we have come.
Working for myself, running my own business has opened my mind up to the possibilities of life, and opened my eyes up to how much I am capable of achieving. Its crazy what a passion and love for what you do, can do to your mindset. The world is no longer a negative place in my eyes, and that’s a massive factor of getting better.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought there never would, but now I feel a future where anxiety is no longer controlling my life. Sometimes change is what we need, even if we don’t think it is. I created this website to help us all, to find new ways to overcome certain aspects of anxiety and open up a platform where we can all feel free to talk about how we feel, without feeling judged or misunderstood. We can help each other.